So as the title may suggest I have a bit of an unpleasant feeling in the region around my head, due to a persistent blockage in my nose. Yes I am not all to jolly at the moment, in fact I feel that, and this may be another side effect of my blocked sinuses, I am once again just floating in mid air. I think that this whole year of 2011 has been a time of adolescent experience meets Peter Pan syndrome.
first kiss ( okay that was in 2010, still important to mention)
- Flex incident (still very mixed feelings of guilt and relief)
- He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ( I will not start on that again, even though it is probably the biggest reason for my current psychological state)
- random hook up at fledermaus (unimportant but still)
Now to the defects of my mind:
I love psychology, all these elaborate terms to label ones insanity and abnormal behaviour. For a long time I have been analysing myself, my behaviour and my emotional instability. Of course I could go and write it off as teenage emotional bullshit. However I think that I fall into a more complicated category.
Back to the formaly mentioned "Peter Pan sydrome", actually known as Puer Aeternus ( Eternal boy), my loyal compnion Wikipedia defines it as such:
"
Puer aeternus is Latin for
eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level. The
puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable."
Of course I hardly qualify as an "older man", however my "childlike" interests (e.g Comic heroes, sci-fi anything) do go in a more 10 year old boy direction. Then again I used to rebel against these kind of things, being brought up around mostly guys, I would always try to, yes fit in, but also remain a girl in one way or another, whether this is playing with my millions of barbie dolls (body image role model, may explain a lot) or watching disney movies, starring your typical fairy tale princess. So back to the forever young theory, I don't understand why so many around me try to grow up so fast, or maybe I am just kidding myself. After all I am 16 going on 17, not exactly a child any more. I want people to talk to me like they would to another adult. At the same time I don't, I don't want to have to make huge life decisions like what I will study, what will I do when I am out of school. Why can't I just sit back and have fun again. Not the go out get drunk type of fun, not the sexual fun (usually), I just want to enjoy my life, have people to talk about video games and tv shows and movies. Travel the world, meet new cultures, help people,fall in love with your best friend. That is my fairy tale.
At this point I would like to mention another interesting term:
"The
Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling
, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older."
Now I am still trying to figure out how much I fit into this "complex", on one side I can be independent and organised, on the other I have a tendency to enjoy decisions being made for me, probably because I am scared of making a bad one( indecisive). I also have some sort of commitment issues in addition to all that, due to a lack of experience I can't determine that just yet.
At the end of the day there is nothing I can do about that, I can't change my feelings towards life and my wish for escapism into a parallel universe where everything is better and more exciting.
But what can you do? Nothing.
