Apologies

I am sorry
That is all I can really say
I will say it a dozen times

and then another dozen
and so on until you can live with me again

I'm not asking you to forgive me, I have no right to ask that from you. Neither can I ask you to trust me again, that wouldn't be fair.

But I hope that you can live with me again some day.

I say all this because I feel guilty but also because I know,  in that very instant I knew that i had lost your trust.
There is no excuse for what I did and there never will be. Not that I am weak and not that I am stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing, because we both know those things aren't true.

I know you are hurt, I know because I know you good enough. I know that what ever I would have done, you wold have still been insulted, embarrassed, angry, jealous and most of all incredibly hurt. But it was my choice to give you a reason to hate me too. Even though you would never say that to me.

Who knows maybe after you have read this, you will actually hate me instead of yourself. And I would understand that.
What I did is inexcusable, not only did I break a promise I made to myself, but I also broke the promise I made to you. One was spoken aloud and the other was the silent swear of friendship and loyalty.

*******

I thought of you today.
I thought of you when we read Sonnet 29.

The speaker is unhappy and melancholic giving himself all the blame for not being the way he wants to be. He is jealous and angry at destiny for not beng fortunate towards him.
However he thinks of his friendship, and how that is worth more than the riches of every king.


When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


I sometimes feel like that kind of friend to you, someone who will listen. And someone you can trust. Someone that thinks you are amazing, admirable, a true role model. I think you are a beautiful and sensational person. But I know that you will probably not listen to me. Especially not now.


And that is why I cry.
Because I cannot be there for you now, in fact I don't know if you will ever want me near again. If we can ever share our thoughts again. 
I want to return to the way things were, I want to return to us.


But I know I am unable to undo the past, and I know that I failed you. That now all I can do is apologize and wait for you to let me back into your life.


And that is why all that is left for me to say is
sorry.