Get your act together. (Right now)

It feels like there is a cloud forming above my head. Not one filled with gaseous H2O but a cloud of worry. Of problems. And when ever something negative happens to me I feel like this bubble above my head triples in size all at once. And one day it will come crashing down in a pool of tears and misery, that feels like you can't handle it anymore, but you still need to get up the next day. (Out of experience I am going to assume this will be on a first-day-of-period day.) 

Well guess what, today kinda feels like I am paying this cloud to suffocate me. I mean I have all this research all this work, all these movies and he wants me to talk about only one.... Kathryn Bigelow.. which means no Sally Potter (for which I ordered 3 movies) great my dad will love another amazon order. not -.- 

Okay to be honest that isn't so bad. Maybe/Probably I am just pissed about the stupid audition.

I mean I stand on that fucking stage and all that I can do is mess up the song that I spent 3 day practising. JUST before it started I got the song right!

I mean I start the song at the wrong place, then I can't even get the words right at that point. AND then I get all the tunes wrong. I just hope that me shouting the refrain saved something, even if it sounded like shit.

Not to forget my lines! My voice was all squeaky.

And I was so nervous. I wasn't even this bad when I was talking in front of the whole school.

I mean why!?

I sung before, in front of lots of people. And i can act and say lines I can. I have no idea what was happening. I wasn't myself.

I just wish I could have gone first. or before Nadia at least. I mean okay and this is a bit of a bitchy rant, but my blog and I do what I want. She goes on stage and starts saying the lines with so much confidence, in her bitchy tone that basically tells everyone I am so brilliant and look how great I am on stage. And then she sings a song that no one else did, I could have done any song, but of course I was too pussy too boring too normal. as always I don't stand, except when I fuck up.

It feels like everything I can do she can do better.

ugh I hate myself right now.