The truth is I have no idea. I have never had an idea.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.
Path numero Uno:
Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.
Which leads me to Path numero dos:
Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.
In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.
Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.
