Sunday, 13 May 2012
Passion like Scorsese
Martin Scorsese loves movies so much, it is quite incredible. I want to look back at my life one day and be as passionate about stories or film or what ever it is that gets me. Everyone should have something that they can hold onto, and for me, right now, that is listening to stories fiction or real. It may not help me pass the ib, but what ever it sure helps me get by. <3
Wednesday, 2 May 2012
ugh.
I am growing so angry and fed up with myself. It is extremely depressing.
While others around me seem to become more sure of themselves and confident in what they want to achieve I fail. I used to be so intelligent and work and study and be competitive about knowledge and achievement, but now I find myself to have fallen so far and I am still falling. I hate me.
While others around me seem to become more sure of themselves and confident in what they want to achieve I fail. I used to be so intelligent and work and study and be competitive about knowledge and achievement, but now I find myself to have fallen so far and I am still falling. I hate me.
Friday, 13 April 2012
Who am I? Who do I want to be?
The truth is I have no idea. I have never had an idea.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.
Path numero Uno:
Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.
Which leads me to Path numero dos:
Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.
In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.
Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.
Path numero Uno:
Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.
Which leads me to Path numero dos:
Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.
In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.
Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.
Wednesday, 21 March 2012
Fuck it I'm happy ^^
I knew this was going to happy, I said so a few posts ago. I knew that as soon as he talks to me again, no matter for how brief the moment may be, I would fall for him all over again.
But god it feels SO good, I don't usually write positive things, or at least not recently, but today......
So after having an incredible stressful day and being able to calm down a little, I managed to sit with him. Not alone, but still. And my plan of showing some interest in his newest obsession worked! In all honesty I do actually think that the game is super awesome, it would be very hypocritical of me not too, being quite a childish geek myself sometimes ;)
We talked and he even said that he loved the dance!!
I know this is so pathetic, and it will only cause me pain again and disappointment. But after the last few days this felt so good and right.
I remember why I like him, or better THAT I like him.
When he talks to me I can't stop smiling and my heart beats so fast. And I can't speak or look at him directly, because I am scared to give myself away.
And later tonight when I was walking outside I couldn't help but dance around with a huge smile on my face.
I want these feelings to last for ever.
Tuesday, 20 March 2012
Ass or idiot?
My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!
But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.
But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.
You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!
But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.
But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.
You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.
Monday, 19 March 2012
I am not a game
I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.
Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.
Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore
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