Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

ALL THE BOYS!

SO I just want to say.. as ever so regularly I should be revising for my english ORAL....However I keep getting stuck on the stupid internet!
I have decided that I desperately want a guy!!
But not so desperatly that I would just take anyone
I want to feel excited about seeing him
hearing his voice
getting messages from him
I want to fall in love with his smile his arms
His smell
I want to be held
I want to be in love



On the other hand this only encourages my fantasies.... can I please Have Finn Harries?!?!

okay bye

BX

Shakespeare here I come

Who am I?

I know life is supposed to shape you and, the experiences and the people you are around change and influence you... but the truth is I am afraid I have been taking that a little too seriously. Some how I always feel like I have to catch up with what every one else likes, does, watches. Yes of course I have my own hobbies and things I am into, but when I try to impress people, or talk to them I always seem to  what to be more like my friends, who are all cool and all these different characters, that I am just not. I want to be the cool girl who knows all this stuff that no one else knows about, and I want to be confident and flirty and adventurous. I want to be a party girl and go out and have fun, be free spirited so on.
Somehow I have been like a sponge all these years. Yes, my school life has always been about me inhaling what other people, including those my age, fed me. When I wanted someone to like me I would find out what they were into and I would be interested and well versed in that area in about a week. I don't even know what I really genuinely like anymore and I don't know what kind of person I am after trying to be like others.

I am nearly 18 years old and I haven't had this realisation properly, or more like, have I really changed? Maybe I am just meant to be a "follower"?

Get your act together. (Right now)

It feels like there is a cloud forming above my head. Not one filled with gaseous H2O but a cloud of worry. Of problems. And when ever something negative happens to me I feel like this bubble above my head triples in size all at once. And one day it will come crashing down in a pool of tears and misery, that feels like you can't handle it anymore, but you still need to get up the next day. (Out of experience I am going to assume this will be on a first-day-of-period day.) 

Well guess what, today kinda feels like I am paying this cloud to suffocate me. I mean I have all this research all this work, all these movies and he wants me to talk about only one.... Kathryn Bigelow.. which means no Sally Potter (for which I ordered 3 movies) great my dad will love another amazon order. not -.- 

Okay to be honest that isn't so bad. Maybe/Probably I am just pissed about the stupid audition.

I mean I stand on that fucking stage and all that I can do is mess up the song that I spent 3 day practising. JUST before it started I got the song right!

I mean I start the song at the wrong place, then I can't even get the words right at that point. AND then I get all the tunes wrong. I just hope that me shouting the refrain saved something, even if it sounded like shit.

Not to forget my lines! My voice was all squeaky.

And I was so nervous. I wasn't even this bad when I was talking in front of the whole school.

I mean why!?

I sung before, in front of lots of people. And i can act and say lines I can. I have no idea what was happening. I wasn't myself.

I just wish I could have gone first. or before Nadia at least. I mean okay and this is a bit of a bitchy rant, but my blog and I do what I want. She goes on stage and starts saying the lines with so much confidence, in her bitchy tone that basically tells everyone I am so brilliant and look how great I am on stage. And then she sings a song that no one else did, I could have done any song, but of course I was too pussy too boring too normal. as always I don't stand, except when I fuck up.

It feels like everything I can do she can do better.

ugh I hate myself right now.

Just a quick rant

I know I have enough of them to lose one or two but it still fucking hurst!!!

JANE BY DESIGN GOT CANCELLED!!
This says it all:
http://originalmisslawrence.tumblr.com/post/29639722397/jane-by-design-got-cancelled
And if it didn't:

Call me melodramatic, but I needed this!!

Envy

Some say it's green, others just see red,

Some hide it with a smile, others don't even try,

As it grows in chest and hands turn to fists,

You try to decide exactly what it is,

As it slithers up your throat and you fight to keep it in,

Somehow all that you have seems trashy and cheap,

Why is it so hard to just be strong, 

To not mind or give an understanding smile.

Not to think, that should be me!

To be happy with yourself and let others see.

Who knows maybe then it will hit her

And your life is the one that she would prefer.

Disney

It seems like I have fallen back into a pattern of losing myself in disney movies ( or old childhood cartoons in general! Anastasia, Swan princess!!!) I hate that I am escaping reality once again, but I just love all of these stories and songs I want my life to be that exciting and special. Live in a mystery a world full of adventures. But then again I guess I could, I just don't know how and if something good would come out of it... any way that is why they are fantasies :P

I just know that instead of studying I am watching disney covers (from michael pitera who seems sooo gay but oh god I LOVE him!) and singing competition auditions! 

Also I have just had a thought I would like to share.

In my head "a whole new world" must be about someone (in this case Jasmin) losing her virginity. Yes I know silly me :D

Also I have been playing sims!! I feel 12 years old all over again.

AND Legend of Korra!! No words how excited this show gets me.

Okay I think I can say I am an immature little dreamer.

Back to real life, sadly.

ugh.

I am growing so angry and fed up with myself. It is extremely depressing.
While others around me seem to become more sure of themselves and confident in what they want to achieve I fail. I used to be so intelligent and work and study and be competitive about knowledge and achievement, but now I find myself to have fallen so far and I am still falling. I hate me.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

The truth is I have no idea. I have never had an idea.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.

Path numero Uno:

Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
   But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
   No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.

Which leads me to Path numero dos:

Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.

In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.

Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.

Ass or idiot?

My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!

 But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.

But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.

You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

TV SHOWS

TV SHOW GIFS: No one can judge me for loving these shows!!!!

Education

I like school, I generally love learning, it is what keeps life interesting. The only reason why this palace of knowledge is often the source of my head aches and breakdowns is usually due to my interests not quite agreeing with what my subjects would like them to. When I am confronted with something new, I need time to digest it, time to let my interest grow inside me, till it bursts and the obsession begins. I want to become so interested in a topic that I go on hyper speed rants about it to my friends, who just shake their heads at my enthusiasm. I want to learn something that is new, maybe so new that it isn't even in real use yet.

It's nothing new that I love everything to do with the future, innovations and inventions make me jump around like a little kid. I love the fact that we live in the future that people thought impossible 30 years ago. Look at us:

 - Children know how to use technology, that people used to be payed to do.

- We are so dependent on the internet that if it broke down tomorrow we would all suffer of extreme withdrawl symptoms.

- We have flat screens

- Wireless (!!) anything

- touch screen phones

- 3D television
-anything digital!!!

And these are only somethings, concerning technology

This is the stuff I care about. I want to know how, despite all our idiotic mistakes in the past, humanity does produce awesomeness.

I want to read about aliens, I want to talk to people about tardigrades ( tiny animals that can survive in the vacuum of space and other uninhabitable environments.), I want to talk to people who share my (very naive) vision of a world that creates with out the need for capitalism or communism. But purely for the invention and to bring humans another step forward.


Wow.

And once again this entry ended completely different to how it was meant to go.

I am already excited about what I will see when I wake up 30 years from now.

dftba <3<3

Did you know it was christmas?

Having your birthday around christmas has it's ups and downs. On the one side you get loads of presents once a year, and yes the down is that it is only once. The other 363 days are...well present less. Then again I don't really care so much about what I get. Usually I wish for one large thing, lately always technology related, and then I get a couple of other things as well, like I don't know, books or DVDs. This year I will probably not get that much, since I asked for a macbook and other things for it, also I just went to New York and obviously shopped my ass off ;)

I am not being unsatisfied or greedy, but I feel that even though now I say I don't care or I am happy with what I have (which I really am, I don't NEED anything) but I remember those past Christmases, runing down the stairs, seeing the tree and all the packages. Opening them, sharing the presents. "look what I got!!", "Wow just what I wanted", exchanging thanks and love. And then later giving my parents presents, and seeing their joy.
I just like presents, no matter their size or price. I love giving them, running around the city, seeing things where you know you will make someone happy with it.

So yeah even though it is the jolly season I am not as excited as I used to be, maybe because there are no surprises left, no magical mystery. 

Anyways I thought that since so many people have been putting up lists of things they want why not:

Any movie on DVD or Blu-ray (preferable unknown or old ones)
Mixed CDs
Photos and picture frames or albums
geeky anything ( t-shirt, poster accessories etc.)
charms (as in for a bracelet)
awesome sunglasses (I can NEVER have enough)
or anything nice =)

At the end of the day I don't care if I get something, sometimes just a nice personal card is all it requires to make me feel like someone is thinking of me.

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

So as the title may suggest I have a bit of an unpleasant feeling in the region around my head, due to a persistent blockage in my nose. Yes I am not all to jolly at the moment, in fact I feel that, and this may be another side effect of my blocked sinuses, I am once again just floating in mid air. I think that this whole year of 2011 has been a time of adolescent experience meets Peter Pan syndrome.

 first kiss ( okay that was in 2010, still important to mention)

• Flex incident (still very mixed feelings of guilt and relief)
• He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ( I will not start on that again, even though it is probably the biggest reason for my current psychological state)
• random hook up at fledermaus (unimportant but still)

Now to the defects of my mind:
I love psychology, all these elaborate terms to label ones insanity and abnormal behaviour. For a long time I have been analysing myself, my behaviour and my emotional instability. Of course I could go and write it off as teenage emotional bullshit. However I think that I fall into a more complicated category.
           Back to the formaly mentioned "Peter Pan sydrome", actually known as Puer Aeternus ( Eternal boy), my loyal compnion Wikipedia defines it as such:

"Puer aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable."

Of course I hardly qualify as an "older man", however my "childlike" interests (e.g Comic heroes, sci-fi anything) do go in a more 10 year old boy direction. Then again I used to rebel against these kind of things, being brought up around mostly guys, I would always try to, yes fit in, but also remain a girl in one way or another, whether this is playing with my millions of barbie dolls (body image role model, may explain a lot) or watching disney movies, starring your typical fairy tale princess. So back to the forever young theory, I don't understand why so many around me try to grow up so fast, or maybe I am just kidding myself. After all I am 16 going on 17, not exactly a child any more. I want people to talk to me like they would to another adult. At the same time I don't, I don't want to have to make huge life decisions like what I will study, what will I do when I am out of school. Why can't I just sit back and have fun again. Not the go out get drunk type of fun, not the sexual fun (usually), I just want to enjoy my life, have people to talk about video games and tv shows and movies. Travel the world, meet new cultures, help people,fall in love with your best friend. That is my fairy tale.
        At this point I would like to mention another interesting term:

"The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling^, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older."

Now I am still trying to figure out how much I fit into this "complex", on one side I can be independent and organised, on the other I have a tendency to enjoy decisions being made for me, probably because I am scared of making a bad one( indecisive). I also have some sort of commitment issues in addition to all that, due to a lack of experience I can't determine that just yet.
          At the end of the day there is nothing I can do about that, I can't change my feelings towards life and my wish for escapism into a parallel universe where everything is better and more exciting.
But what can you do? Nothing.

A funny story in the void

So I guess I could tell you of how useless I am right now, but you know I would rather like to tell you one of my inside jokes. Well it's probably more of a funny thought. So today my mum met my chemistry teacher. His name- Mr. Jones. So my mum introduces herself:

Mum: Hello Elisabeth ****
Mr Jones: **** Jones

What's with the stars? I don't want to post peoples whole names on here okay!
Well so when he introduced himself I was like

PLEASE SAY INDIANA; PLEASE SAY INDIANA

Well he didn't he didn't even say Henry, which would have been awesome too (watch Indiana Jones if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Not funny? Well it was one amusing thing for me so yeah go read your own Blog if you don't get my head!

So that's it folks, today was a lot better than yesterday just btw.
ps didn't have a gif on here for a while: