Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

ALL THE BOYS!

SO I just want to say.. as ever so regularly I should be revising for my english ORAL....However I keep getting stuck on the stupid internet!
I have decided that I desperately want a guy!!
But not so desperatly that I would just take anyone
I want to feel excited about seeing him
hearing his voice
getting messages from him
I want to fall in love with his smile his arms
His smell
I want to be held
I want to be in love



On the other hand this only encourages my fantasies.... can I please Have Finn Harries?!?!

okay bye

BX

Shakespeare here I come

Geek charming

 So close before christmas and my step into adult hood, it seems like all I need is a incy wincy disney channel movie to make me smile and cry and get all fan girly

Problem with that?

Well the picture we are talking about here is, as the title might give away, "Geek Charming"

Being me that already attracted me some what, so I decided I would give it a shot.

Figures it stars modern family's Sarah Hyland... you know the chick that look like the absolute mirror image of a young Mila Kunis.. no big deal or anything!
Oh and her real life incredibly cute boyfriend. Matt Prokop.

So the plot:
Pretty simple cheesy teen flick: Popular girl is asked by film geek to play in his movie.

Opposite characters are joined through mutual goal. For her the film has to be a success to win blossom queen/prom queen or what ever and he...well just wants to win really, because it is his film.

Greatest thing or creepy thing, considering how attracted I am to this guy: the characters name is Josh Rosen. Coincidence?

Well the creepy familiarity is fine and all.... yes it is okay!

Anyhow long story short, she turns out to be super smart and awesome and they fall for each other happy end!

However his film friends includes this one girl who at first admires the guy and then basically is just shown the cold shoulder. While I relate to him.. lets face it I am this other chick. :/ awe well I guess I'll just end up having to settle, because why should I get the hot guy and all when she is so perfect and lovely and asfklaslf


It is a very sweet film can only recommend it!! :)

QUOTES

Robert Pattinson:“If you find a girl who reads, keep her close. When you find her up at 2 AM clutching a book to her chest and weeping, make her a cup of tea and hold her. You may lose her for a couple of hours but she will always come back to you. She’ll talk as if the characters in the book are real, because for a while, they always are. Date a girl who reads because you deserve it. You deserve a girl who can give you the most colorful life imaginable. If you can only give her monotony, and stale hours and half-baked proposals, then you’re better off alone. If you want the world and the worlds beyond it, date a girl who reads.”

Brandon Hall:“The reason girls cant find a good guy is because they look in the wrong places, go to a library. Guys at party are just looking for the next girl to fuck.”

Magic of Disney

I can watch this video 100 times and more. <3

One and only- Adele

I don't know how she does it but she says it all.

Fuck it I'm happy ^^

I knew this was going to happy,  I said so a few posts ago. I knew that as soon as he talks to me again, no matter for how brief the moment may be, I would fall for him all over again.

But god it feels SO good, I don't usually write positive things, or at least not recently, but today......

So after having an incredible stressful day and being able to calm down a little, I managed to sit with him. Not alone, but still. And my plan of showing some interest in his newest obsession worked! In all honesty I do actually think that the game is super awesome, it would be very hypocritical of me not too, being quite a childish geek myself sometimes ;)

We talked and he even said that he loved the dance!!

I know this is so pathetic, and it will only cause me pain again and disappointment. But after the last few days this felt so good and right.

I remember why I like him, or better THAT I like him.

When he talks to me I can't stop smiling and my heart beats so fast. And I can't speak or look at him directly, because I am scared to give myself away.

And later tonight when I was walking outside I couldn't help but dance around with a huge smile on my face.

I want these feelings to last for ever.

Ass or idiot?

My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!

 But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.

But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.

You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

Listen. Listen to me very carefully. I live in London, a gorgeous, vibrant, historic city that I happen to love living in. You live in New York, which is highly overrated... But since the Atlantic Ocean is a bit wide to cross every day, swimming, boating or flying, I suggest we flip for it... And if those terms are unacceptable, leaving London will be a pleasure, as long as you're waiting for me on the other side. 'Cause the truth is, I am Madly, Deeply, Truly, Passionately in Love with You. - Letters to Juliet

TV SHOWS

TV SHOW GIFS: No one can judge me for loving these shows!!!!

Did you know it was christmas?

Having your birthday around christmas has it's ups and downs. On the one side you get loads of presents once a year, and yes the down is that it is only once. The other 363 days are...well present less. Then again I don't really care so much about what I get. Usually I wish for one large thing, lately always technology related, and then I get a couple of other things as well, like I don't know, books or DVDs. This year I will probably not get that much, since I asked for a macbook and other things for it, also I just went to New York and obviously shopped my ass off ;)

I am not being unsatisfied or greedy, but I feel that even though now I say I don't care or I am happy with what I have (which I really am, I don't NEED anything) but I remember those past Christmases, runing down the stairs, seeing the tree and all the packages. Opening them, sharing the presents. "look what I got!!", "Wow just what I wanted", exchanging thanks and love. And then later giving my parents presents, and seeing their joy.
I just like presents, no matter their size or price. I love giving them, running around the city, seeing things where you know you will make someone happy with it.

So yeah even though it is the jolly season I am not as excited as I used to be, maybe because there are no surprises left, no magical mystery. 

Anyways I thought that since so many people have been putting up lists of things they want why not:

Any movie on DVD or Blu-ray (preferable unknown or old ones)
Mixed CDs
Photos and picture frames or albums
geeky anything ( t-shirt, poster accessories etc.)
charms (as in for a bracelet)
awesome sunglasses (I can NEVER have enough)
or anything nice =)

At the end of the day I don't care if I get something, sometimes just a nice personal card is all it requires to make me feel like someone is thinking of me.

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

So as the title may suggest I have a bit of an unpleasant feeling in the region around my head, due to a persistent blockage in my nose. Yes I am not all to jolly at the moment, in fact I feel that, and this may be another side effect of my blocked sinuses, I am once again just floating in mid air. I think that this whole year of 2011 has been a time of adolescent experience meets Peter Pan syndrome.

 first kiss ( okay that was in 2010, still important to mention)

• Flex incident (still very mixed feelings of guilt and relief)
• He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ( I will not start on that again, even though it is probably the biggest reason for my current psychological state)
• random hook up at fledermaus (unimportant but still)

Now to the defects of my mind:
I love psychology, all these elaborate terms to label ones insanity and abnormal behaviour. For a long time I have been analysing myself, my behaviour and my emotional instability. Of course I could go and write it off as teenage emotional bullshit. However I think that I fall into a more complicated category.
           Back to the formaly mentioned "Peter Pan sydrome", actually known as Puer Aeternus ( Eternal boy), my loyal compnion Wikipedia defines it as such:

"Puer aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable."

Of course I hardly qualify as an "older man", however my "childlike" interests (e.g Comic heroes, sci-fi anything) do go in a more 10 year old boy direction. Then again I used to rebel against these kind of things, being brought up around mostly guys, I would always try to, yes fit in, but also remain a girl in one way or another, whether this is playing with my millions of barbie dolls (body image role model, may explain a lot) or watching disney movies, starring your typical fairy tale princess. So back to the forever young theory, I don't understand why so many around me try to grow up so fast, or maybe I am just kidding myself. After all I am 16 going on 17, not exactly a child any more. I want people to talk to me like they would to another adult. At the same time I don't, I don't want to have to make huge life decisions like what I will study, what will I do when I am out of school. Why can't I just sit back and have fun again. Not the go out get drunk type of fun, not the sexual fun (usually), I just want to enjoy my life, have people to talk about video games and tv shows and movies. Travel the world, meet new cultures, help people,fall in love with your best friend. That is my fairy tale.
        At this point I would like to mention another interesting term:

"The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling^, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older."

Now I am still trying to figure out how much I fit into this "complex", on one side I can be independent and organised, on the other I have a tendency to enjoy decisions being made for me, probably because I am scared of making a bad one( indecisive). I also have some sort of commitment issues in addition to all that, due to a lack of experience I can't determine that just yet.
          At the end of the day there is nothing I can do about that, I can't change my feelings towards life and my wish for escapism into a parallel universe where everything is better and more exciting.
But what can you do? Nothing.

Words that speak the soul

More here -->

Tonight

Tonight

I am sitting in my room

tonight

I am biting my pencil

tonight

I am drinking the 10th cup of tea

tonight 

I am looking in the mirror and crying

tonight

I draw faces of you

tonight

I wonder when life begins

tonight 

I make myself believe that dreams come true

tonight 

I close my eyes and run

tonight 

I want to be in your arms

tonight

I want to see you

tonight 

I will love you
tonight
..
...
....
.....
I live.

I may go back to hating you. It was more fun.

do you know who you attract?

Well I am kinda getting closer to figuring out just what kind of guy I attract....and I came to the conclusion:

Awkward
(some shallow minded people could say "loser" even thought I believe that to be very harsh)
Sensitive
Romantic
Cheasy
Insecure
Shy

...so maybe you have noticed, but those are things that i am not all too unfamiliar with
In fact they are probably quite a bit like myself.
However I don't really want that.....even though I used to think that would be the kinda guy that I would like.....seems I was wrong.

And why? I am not quite sure. Maybe because that isn't who I am as a whole, yes it is part of me. Yes it is a BIG part of me. But that other a-bit-less-than-a-half bit of me is:

Perfectionist
Independent
Hard to get
Creative
Entertaining
Crazy

So who ever thinks they can handle that.......hi my name is Rebecca!