Who am I? Who do I want to be?

The truth is I have no idea. I have never had an idea.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.

Path numero Uno:

Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
   But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
   No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.

Which leads me to Path numero dos:

Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.

In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.

Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

Education

I like school, I generally love learning, it is what keeps life interesting. The only reason why this palace of knowledge is often the source of my head aches and breakdowns is usually due to my interests not quite agreeing with what my subjects would like them to. When I am confronted with something new, I need time to digest it, time to let my interest grow inside me, till it bursts and the obsession begins. I want to become so interested in a topic that I go on hyper speed rants about it to my friends, who just shake their heads at my enthusiasm. I want to learn something that is new, maybe so new that it isn't even in real use yet.

It's nothing new that I love everything to do with the future, innovations and inventions make me jump around like a little kid. I love the fact that we live in the future that people thought impossible 30 years ago. Look at us:

 - Children know how to use technology, that people used to be payed to do.

- We are so dependent on the internet that if it broke down tomorrow we would all suffer of extreme withdrawl symptoms.

- We have flat screens

- Wireless (!!) anything

- touch screen phones

- 3D television
-anything digital!!!

And these are only somethings, concerning technology

This is the stuff I care about. I want to know how, despite all our idiotic mistakes in the past, humanity does produce awesomeness.

I want to read about aliens, I want to talk to people about tardigrades ( tiny animals that can survive in the vacuum of space and other uninhabitable environments.), I want to talk to people who share my (very naive) vision of a world that creates with out the need for capitalism or communism. But purely for the invention and to bring humans another step forward.


Wow.

And once again this entry ended completely different to how it was meant to go.

I am already excited about what I will see when I wake up 30 years from now.

dftba <3<3

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

So as the title may suggest I have a bit of an unpleasant feeling in the region around my head, due to a persistent blockage in my nose. Yes I am not all to jolly at the moment, in fact I feel that, and this may be another side effect of my blocked sinuses, I am once again just floating in mid air. I think that this whole year of 2011 has been a time of adolescent experience meets Peter Pan syndrome.

 first kiss ( okay that was in 2010, still important to mention)

• Flex incident (still very mixed feelings of guilt and relief)
• He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ( I will not start on that again, even though it is probably the biggest reason for my current psychological state)
• random hook up at fledermaus (unimportant but still)

Now to the defects of my mind:
I love psychology, all these elaborate terms to label ones insanity and abnormal behaviour. For a long time I have been analysing myself, my behaviour and my emotional instability. Of course I could go and write it off as teenage emotional bullshit. However I think that I fall into a more complicated category.
           Back to the formaly mentioned "Peter Pan sydrome", actually known as Puer Aeternus ( Eternal boy), my loyal compnion Wikipedia defines it as such:

"Puer aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable."

Of course I hardly qualify as an "older man", however my "childlike" interests (e.g Comic heroes, sci-fi anything) do go in a more 10 year old boy direction. Then again I used to rebel against these kind of things, being brought up around mostly guys, I would always try to, yes fit in, but also remain a girl in one way or another, whether this is playing with my millions of barbie dolls (body image role model, may explain a lot) or watching disney movies, starring your typical fairy tale princess. So back to the forever young theory, I don't understand why so many around me try to grow up so fast, or maybe I am just kidding myself. After all I am 16 going on 17, not exactly a child any more. I want people to talk to me like they would to another adult. At the same time I don't, I don't want to have to make huge life decisions like what I will study, what will I do when I am out of school. Why can't I just sit back and have fun again. Not the go out get drunk type of fun, not the sexual fun (usually), I just want to enjoy my life, have people to talk about video games and tv shows and movies. Travel the world, meet new cultures, help people,fall in love with your best friend. That is my fairy tale.
        At this point I would like to mention another interesting term:

"The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling^, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older."

Now I am still trying to figure out how much I fit into this "complex", on one side I can be independent and organised, on the other I have a tendency to enjoy decisions being made for me, probably because I am scared of making a bad one( indecisive). I also have some sort of commitment issues in addition to all that, due to a lack of experience I can't determine that just yet.
          At the end of the day there is nothing I can do about that, I can't change my feelings towards life and my wish for escapism into a parallel universe where everything is better and more exciting.
But what can you do? Nothing.

games

I was just reminded why i love video games so much :) escaping to another world. Having powers and abilities. Being the hero for once. As well as that, today made me even more certain that, should I be lucky enough to get a boyfriend any time soon, he should probably have some nerdy awesomeness in him.....or he will die, by the overwhelming excitement, that I can exhault in a geeky environment (like video games).

Dramatic Irony

I bet there is someone whatching me right now. Someone who knows something I don't, who has me all figured out.

If I could get a hint, that would be great, because right now I am just a little clueless.

Okay very clueless, of what I am doing in this world. Who the fuck am I even?
What makes me special?
If you could let me know before I do something stupid?
Thank you.

Words that speak the soul

More here -->

Tonight

Tonight

I am sitting in my room

tonight

I am biting my pencil

tonight

I am drinking the 10th cup of tea

tonight 

I am looking in the mirror and crying

tonight

I draw faces of you

tonight

I wonder when life begins

tonight 

I make myself believe that dreams come true

tonight 

I close my eyes and run

tonight 

I want to be in your arms

tonight

I want to see you

tonight 

I will love you
tonight
..
...
....
.....
I live.

Au

My head hurts from crying....i am so close to switching from chemistry to biology....why was I even recomended for this?
They should just say not suitable for any mathematical work.. especially ones including chemicals.
Also not suitable for experiments...danger when near this student.
WHAT WAS I THINKING!?
But how can I switch?
How can I survive the insane embarrasment, from my teacher; who I actually like?
How can I save my self from the embarrassment of the the other students? I mean there are people in my class that are less smart than me (if you can even say that), and they seem to be fine....is it just me being awkward, is my fright of admitting failure bigger than it needs to be? probably. Still two weeks is a lot to catch up with...is it to much to switch from?

thoughts from....half a month later.

Life. Right now it just feels like a really heavy weight on my back.
Weight.... sounds familiar on here?

I wonder why..
Well about that so I did go running for a week now and that went good, yeah it actually did.
Howevr I didn't go today, because there is absolutely no energy in this body. I am a lost soul with in a worn out shell, that is basically just carrying itself from one point to the next.

okay now anyone who knows me....which I just assume includes everyone who know this site and therefore reads this, knows that what I just said isn't entirely true.
I am sure that to a lot of people I seem like my usual happy, bouncy self.

But, and yes there always is a but, that moment when you are alone. Those dreadful 2 seconds where everything that is on your mind, the good, the bad, the ugly, that are usually held back by a firm wall, crashes down on you as a huge wave of misery.

And you just sit there, surrounded by people, knowing that a public display of the emotions that are just raging inside of you is impossible, and usually I look for a distraction to keep my face busy from bursting into tears.

If I am honest that is exactly what I feel like right now.

 I just want to drop dead.

Ripoff my tired face, which is pale and dry.
Get my life organized.
Start to understand the language that my heart speaks.

I am not sure how much longer my body will have the energy to even bother putting up a facade.

pirates, cameras and medicine

future. who doesn't think of it? Personally I think of it all the time.
My friends know that I have no idea right now i am even starting to lose interest in film. but that is probably due to the fact that wor is boring me to death. Not even a tarantino look-a-like can amuse me. How ever the long wave of black hair, which the cinematographer throws over his shoulder so elegantly, did manage to put a smile on my face. And together with the gossiping make up artists, who are making fun of a model, who has the figure and looks of aylin (so stick like), I can say that today has ended up being a little more successful (entertainment). 

However I still have nothing to do, which is the reason I am sitting next to the food (cruel, when you are trying to eat less), and typing this on my midget moblie keyboard. 

Back to my original point, I can't stop thinking about my future. Probaby because now that I have stepped into the business world, my family thinks this is the perfect oportunity to influence me with "advice", aka brainwash me into their opinion. my grandmother is trying to get me back to medicine with all measures.
My dad just gave me along talk in the car that I could do pharmacy, which I'll be honest with you, doesn't sound too bad. However I know that the reason he said that was because I he wants to make my grandma happy.

So pharmacy:
pros
1. money
2. safe (people come to you)
3. research
4. it would work with my chemistry high level
5. my idea is to mix western pharmacy with exotic drugs.
6. there are lots of different areas of experties.


contra

well am I that interested in this science? I mean look at my last chem test! that didn't go as expected.
Is it going to be too much of a rutine?
(to that my dad said if i want something exciting I should do medicine -.-)
well and just generaly I don't want to do anything boring.

So yeah I guess I will go back to the pirate with the camera and watch some pretty people act like it is christmas in August.