Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

ALL THE BOYS!

SO I just want to say.. as ever so regularly I should be revising for my english ORAL....However I keep getting stuck on the stupid internet!
I have decided that I desperately want a guy!!
But not so desperatly that I would just take anyone
I want to feel excited about seeing him
hearing his voice
getting messages from him
I want to fall in love with his smile his arms
His smell
I want to be held
I want to be in love



On the other hand this only encourages my fantasies.... can I please Have Finn Harries?!?!

okay bye

BX

Shakespeare here I come

Who am I?

I know life is supposed to shape you and, the experiences and the people you are around change and influence you... but the truth is I am afraid I have been taking that a little too seriously. Some how I always feel like I have to catch up with what every one else likes, does, watches. Yes of course I have my own hobbies and things I am into, but when I try to impress people, or talk to them I always seem to  what to be more like my friends, who are all cool and all these different characters, that I am just not. I want to be the cool girl who knows all this stuff that no one else knows about, and I want to be confident and flirty and adventurous. I want to be a party girl and go out and have fun, be free spirited so on.
Somehow I have been like a sponge all these years. Yes, my school life has always been about me inhaling what other people, including those my age, fed me. When I wanted someone to like me I would find out what they were into and I would be interested and well versed in that area in about a week. I don't even know what I really genuinely like anymore and I don't know what kind of person I am after trying to be like others.

I am nearly 18 years old and I haven't had this realisation properly, or more like, have I really changed? Maybe I am just meant to be a "follower"?

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

Words that speak the soul

More here -->

Tonight

Tonight

I am sitting in my room

tonight

I am biting my pencil

tonight

I am drinking the 10th cup of tea

tonight 

I am looking in the mirror and crying

tonight

I draw faces of you

tonight

I wonder when life begins

tonight 

I make myself believe that dreams come true

tonight 

I close my eyes and run

tonight 

I want to be in your arms

tonight

I want to see you

tonight 

I will love you
tonight
..
...
....
.....
I live.

thoughts from....half a month later.

Life. Right now it just feels like a really heavy weight on my back.
Weight.... sounds familiar on here?

I wonder why..
Well about that so I did go running for a week now and that went good, yeah it actually did.
Howevr I didn't go today, because there is absolutely no energy in this body. I am a lost soul with in a worn out shell, that is basically just carrying itself from one point to the next.

okay now anyone who knows me....which I just assume includes everyone who know this site and therefore reads this, knows that what I just said isn't entirely true.
I am sure that to a lot of people I seem like my usual happy, bouncy self.

But, and yes there always is a but, that moment when you are alone. Those dreadful 2 seconds where everything that is on your mind, the good, the bad, the ugly, that are usually held back by a firm wall, crashes down on you as a huge wave of misery.

And you just sit there, surrounded by people, knowing that a public display of the emotions that are just raging inside of you is impossible, and usually I look for a distraction to keep my face busy from bursting into tears.

If I am honest that is exactly what I feel like right now.

 I just want to drop dead.

Ripoff my tired face, which is pale and dry.
Get my life organized.
Start to understand the language that my heart speaks.

I am not sure how much longer my body will have the energy to even bother putting up a facade.

Fuck You All

When you stagger between two guys, one that you just can't get over no matter how much he looks past you or if he talks to all the other girls including your friends, and the other, who has always been nice and funny to you. Gives you signs and then just ignores you or doesn't respond to you.

It's really hard to think straight and follow your goals when your heart keeps alternating between two real ass-holes.

And it's even harder when your friends don't talk to you and have more contact to those guys than you do. It makes you feel completely unimportant and failed.

It is incredible how lonely you can feel when there are so many people around you. And how quickly your mood can change to absolute unhappiness after you come home relaxed and joyful.

Maybe I should just forget about people all together and concentrate on myself for once. No matter how lonely it might get.