Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

eating chocolate

before:

After:

WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?!?!?!?

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

So I have a constant weight and look problem, and that is probably the reason why nothing goes the way it should, because I hate myself and that can't mean anything good can it?
Right now I realized that I failed once again.
Not only did I not stick to my work out/diet plan, no -I also gained weight, even more weight.
I just looked at the resent pictures of me at the beach and I burst out into tears, then I compared them to my sommer photos from a year ago, and it was even worse!!
WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME????
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I LOOK GOOD????

Just to make me FEEL better? Make themselves feel better?

WHY??
And I was always hurt that my mom wasn't comforting me, but was actually saying I would look better with a couple of kilos less.
God that was such a mind blow...well maybe I needed it.
Still!! I haven't quite finished spassing!

I mean I should have realized, I don't fit into my pants anymore
I weigh more
I have been eating and eating
I stoped working out
I am lazy
I have a tummy

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
I HAVE TO  STOP WHAT EVER I AM DOING NOW AND START DOING THINGS RIGHT