Just a quick rant

I know I have enough of them to lose one or two but it still fucking hurst!!!

JANE BY DESIGN GOT CANCELLED!!
This says it all:
http://originalmisslawrence.tumblr.com/post/29639722397/jane-by-design-got-cancelled
And if it didn't:

Call me melodramatic, but I needed this!!

Ass or idiot?

My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!

 But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.

But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.

You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

Apologies

I am sorry
That is all I can really say
I will say it a dozen times

and then another dozen
and so on until you can live with me again

I'm not asking you to forgive me, I have no right to ask that from you. Neither can I ask you to trust me again, that wouldn't be fair.

But I hope that you can live with me again some day.

I say all this because I feel guilty but also because I know,  in that very instant I knew that i had lost your trust.
There is no excuse for what I did and there never will be. Not that I am weak and not that I am stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing, because we both know those things aren't true.

I know you are hurt, I know because I know you good enough. I know that what ever I would have done, you wold have still been insulted, embarrassed, angry, jealous and most of all incredibly hurt. But it was my choice to give you a reason to hate me too. Even though you would never say that to me.

Who knows maybe after you have read this, you will actually hate me instead of yourself. And I would understand that.
What I did is inexcusable, not only did I break a promise I made to myself, but I also broke the promise I made to you. One was spoken aloud and the other was the silent swear of friendship and loyalty.

*******

I thought of you today.
I thought of you when we read Sonnet 29.

The speaker is unhappy and melancholic giving himself all the blame for not being the way he wants to be. He is jealous and angry at destiny for not beng fortunate towards him.
However he thinks of his friendship, and how that is worth more than the riches of every king.


When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


I sometimes feel like that kind of friend to you, someone who will listen. And someone you can trust. Someone that thinks you are amazing, admirable, a true role model. I think you are a beautiful and sensational person. But I know that you will probably not listen to me. Especially not now.


And that is why I cry.
Because I cannot be there for you now, in fact I don't know if you will ever want me near again. If we can ever share our thoughts again. 
I want to return to the way things were, I want to return to us.


But I know I am unable to undo the past, and I know that I failed you. That now all I can do is apologize and wait for you to let me back into your life.


And that is why all that is left for me to say is
sorry.

Words that speak the soul

More here -->

AHHHH

I'm not the sort of person..
Who falls..
In and quickly out of love..

But to you I gave my affection..
Right from the start..

And If i have a lover..
Who loves me..
How could I break such a heart..
Yet you still get my attention..
right from the start...

Why do you come here..
When you know I've got troubles enough..

Why do you call me..
When you know I can't answer the phone..

You make me lie..
When I don't want to..
And make someone else..
Some kind of unknowing fool..
You make me stay
When I should not..
Are you so strong..
Or it's the weakness in me..

Why do you come here..
And pretend to be just passing by..
When I need to see you..
And I need to hold you..
Tightly...baby

Feeling guilty...worried..
Waking from tormented sleep..
This old love has me bound..
But the new love cuts deep..

If I choose now..
I'll lose out..
'Coz one of us has to fall..
I need you..
And u...alone

Why do you come here..
When you know I've got troubles enough

Why do you call me
When you know i cant answer the phone

Make me lie when i don't want to
And make someone else some kind of unknowing fool

You make me stay when i should not
Are you so strong or it's the weakness in me

Why do you come here and pretend to be just passing by
When i need to see you
And i need to hold you...
Tightly....

ohhhhhh 

Fuck You All

When you stagger between two guys, one that you just can't get over no matter how much he looks past you or if he talks to all the other girls including your friends, and the other, who has always been nice and funny to you. Gives you signs and then just ignores you or doesn't respond to you.

It's really hard to think straight and follow your goals when your heart keeps alternating between two real ass-holes.

And it's even harder when your friends don't talk to you and have more contact to those guys than you do. It makes you feel completely unimportant and failed.

It is incredible how lonely you can feel when there are so many people around you. And how quickly your mood can change to absolute unhappiness after you come home relaxed and joyful.

Maybe I should just forget about people all together and concentrate on myself for once. No matter how lonely it might get.

Dreams

In my dreams we are together every night. I love having you by my side. I'm stroking your hand, you're kissing my cheek. Your smile gives me the feeling of warm and cold air gashing over my skin. No matter how often I tell myself, that I am over you, or that I hate you, I never really do. 

You have no idea how much it hurts to see you, when you are around the other girls. I know I don't listen to all your music. I'm not as smart or as gorgeous. I haven't done all those things. I'm an uninteresting, shy, and wierd girl, who dresses in colourful things that don't always fit and aren't branded. I don't have a perfect figure or face. And I don't talk like the girls you like.

Over all these years I have tried to change for you. I listened to you, I learned about the things you like. I tried to be more like the others. But I can't because that isn't me. 

And yet how is it that, everytime I want to say something, you say it first. I can see us walking down a street together, holding hands. I feel like we would be great.

Is it wierd that all my friends, who talk to you more then I ever have, would never be together with you, because you are too depressing, or too much of a jerk?.. To me that never changed anything, maybe cause you are not mean to me any more, or maybe because I just don't feel it.

I hate that you don't even see me, when all I see is you.