A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

thoughts from....half a month later.

Life. Right now it just feels like a really heavy weight on my back.
Weight.... sounds familiar on here?

I wonder why..
Well about that so I did go running for a week now and that went good, yeah it actually did.
Howevr I didn't go today, because there is absolutely no energy in this body. I am a lost soul with in a worn out shell, that is basically just carrying itself from one point to the next.

okay now anyone who knows me....which I just assume includes everyone who know this site and therefore reads this, knows that what I just said isn't entirely true.
I am sure that to a lot of people I seem like my usual happy, bouncy self.

But, and yes there always is a but, that moment when you are alone. Those dreadful 2 seconds where everything that is on your mind, the good, the bad, the ugly, that are usually held back by a firm wall, crashes down on you as a huge wave of misery.

And you just sit there, surrounded by people, knowing that a public display of the emotions that are just raging inside of you is impossible, and usually I look for a distraction to keep my face busy from bursting into tears.

If I am honest that is exactly what I feel like right now.

 I just want to drop dead.

Ripoff my tired face, which is pale and dry.
Get my life organized.
Start to understand the language that my heart speaks.

I am not sure how much longer my body will have the energy to even bother putting up a facade.

eating chocolate

before:

After:

WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?!?!?!?

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

So I have a constant weight and look problem, and that is probably the reason why nothing goes the way it should, because I hate myself and that can't mean anything good can it?
Right now I realized that I failed once again.
Not only did I not stick to my work out/diet plan, no -I also gained weight, even more weight.
I just looked at the resent pictures of me at the beach and I burst out into tears, then I compared them to my sommer photos from a year ago, and it was even worse!!
WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME????
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I LOOK GOOD????

Just to make me FEEL better? Make themselves feel better?

WHY??
And I was always hurt that my mom wasn't comforting me, but was actually saying I would look better with a couple of kilos less.
God that was such a mind blow...well maybe I needed it.
Still!! I haven't quite finished spassing!

I mean I should have realized, I don't fit into my pants anymore
I weigh more
I have been eating and eating
I stoped working out
I am lazy
I have a tummy

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
I HAVE TO  STOP WHAT EVER I AM DOING NOW AND START DOING THINGS RIGHT