Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

ALL THE BOYS!

SO I just want to say.. as ever so regularly I should be revising for my english ORAL....However I keep getting stuck on the stupid internet!
I have decided that I desperately want a guy!!
But not so desperatly that I would just take anyone
I want to feel excited about seeing him
hearing his voice
getting messages from him
I want to fall in love with his smile his arms
His smell
I want to be held
I want to be in love



On the other hand this only encourages my fantasies.... can I please Have Finn Harries?!?!

okay bye

BX

Shakespeare here I come

Geek charming

 So close before christmas and my step into adult hood, it seems like all I need is a incy wincy disney channel movie to make me smile and cry and get all fan girly

Problem with that?

Well the picture we are talking about here is, as the title might give away, "Geek Charming"

Being me that already attracted me some what, so I decided I would give it a shot.

Figures it stars modern family's Sarah Hyland... you know the chick that look like the absolute mirror image of a young Mila Kunis.. no big deal or anything!
Oh and her real life incredibly cute boyfriend. Matt Prokop.

So the plot:
Pretty simple cheesy teen flick: Popular girl is asked by film geek to play in his movie.

Opposite characters are joined through mutual goal. For her the film has to be a success to win blossom queen/prom queen or what ever and he...well just wants to win really, because it is his film.

Greatest thing or creepy thing, considering how attracted I am to this guy: the characters name is Josh Rosen. Coincidence?

Well the creepy familiarity is fine and all.... yes it is okay!

Anyhow long story short, she turns out to be super smart and awesome and they fall for each other happy end!

However his film friends includes this one girl who at first admires the guy and then basically is just shown the cold shoulder. While I relate to him.. lets face it I am this other chick. :/ awe well I guess I'll just end up having to settle, because why should I get the hot guy and all when she is so perfect and lovely and asfklaslf


It is a very sweet film can only recommend it!! :)

Who am I?

I know life is supposed to shape you and, the experiences and the people you are around change and influence you... but the truth is I am afraid I have been taking that a little too seriously. Some how I always feel like I have to catch up with what every one else likes, does, watches. Yes of course I have my own hobbies and things I am into, but when I try to impress people, or talk to them I always seem to  what to be more like my friends, who are all cool and all these different characters, that I am just not. I want to be the cool girl who knows all this stuff that no one else knows about, and I want to be confident and flirty and adventurous. I want to be a party girl and go out and have fun, be free spirited so on.
Somehow I have been like a sponge all these years. Yes, my school life has always been about me inhaling what other people, including those my age, fed me. When I wanted someone to like me I would find out what they were into and I would be interested and well versed in that area in about a week. I don't even know what I really genuinely like anymore and I don't know what kind of person I am after trying to be like others.

I am nearly 18 years old and I haven't had this realisation properly, or more like, have I really changed? Maybe I am just meant to be a "follower"?

Get your act together. (Right now)

It feels like there is a cloud forming above my head. Not one filled with gaseous H2O but a cloud of worry. Of problems. And when ever something negative happens to me I feel like this bubble above my head triples in size all at once. And one day it will come crashing down in a pool of tears and misery, that feels like you can't handle it anymore, but you still need to get up the next day. (Out of experience I am going to assume this will be on a first-day-of-period day.) 

Well guess what, today kinda feels like I am paying this cloud to suffocate me. I mean I have all this research all this work, all these movies and he wants me to talk about only one.... Kathryn Bigelow.. which means no Sally Potter (for which I ordered 3 movies) great my dad will love another amazon order. not -.- 

Okay to be honest that isn't so bad. Maybe/Probably I am just pissed about the stupid audition.

I mean I stand on that fucking stage and all that I can do is mess up the song that I spent 3 day practising. JUST before it started I got the song right!

I mean I start the song at the wrong place, then I can't even get the words right at that point. AND then I get all the tunes wrong. I just hope that me shouting the refrain saved something, even if it sounded like shit.

Not to forget my lines! My voice was all squeaky.

And I was so nervous. I wasn't even this bad when I was talking in front of the whole school.

I mean why!?

I sung before, in front of lots of people. And i can act and say lines I can. I have no idea what was happening. I wasn't myself.

I just wish I could have gone first. or before Nadia at least. I mean okay and this is a bit of a bitchy rant, but my blog and I do what I want. She goes on stage and starts saying the lines with so much confidence, in her bitchy tone that basically tells everyone I am so brilliant and look how great I am on stage. And then she sings a song that no one else did, I could have done any song, but of course I was too pussy too boring too normal. as always I don't stand, except when I fuck up.

It feels like everything I can do she can do better.

ugh I hate myself right now.

Just a quick rant

I know I have enough of them to lose one or two but it still fucking hurst!!!

JANE BY DESIGN GOT CANCELLED!!
This says it all:
http://originalmisslawrence.tumblr.com/post/29639722397/jane-by-design-got-cancelled
And if it didn't:

Call me melodramatic, but I needed this!!

Envy

Some say it's green, others just see red,

Some hide it with a smile, others don't even try,

As it grows in chest and hands turn to fists,

You try to decide exactly what it is,

As it slithers up your throat and you fight to keep it in,

Somehow all that you have seems trashy and cheap,

Why is it so hard to just be strong, 

To not mind or give an understanding smile.

Not to think, that should be me!

To be happy with yourself and let others see.

Who knows maybe then it will hit her

And your life is the one that she would prefer.

Magic of Disney

I can watch this video 100 times and more. <3

ugh.

I am growing so angry and fed up with myself. It is extremely depressing.
While others around me seem to become more sure of themselves and confident in what they want to achieve I fail. I used to be so intelligent and work and study and be competitive about knowledge and achievement, but now I find myself to have fallen so far and I am still falling. I hate me.

Who am I? Who do I want to be?

The truth is I have no idea. I have never had an idea.
What would I give to have it all planned out.
Right now there are two paths....very different, contrasting, incompatible paths.

Path numero Uno:

Probably the one thing my dad would be happy of me doing apart from going in to medicine, which I have happily crossed off my list completely. Dentistry.
I have had this career choice before, but when I think back I was a different person back then, just leaving primary, it was a whole new world that I was going to encounter. Up till then I wanted to be a ballerina, Singer and actress. Not "real" jobs.
And lets face it I grew up in a more than middle class family. A big house, a doctor as my father, uncle and aunt, vacations to expensive hotels all around the world at least four times a year, presents all the time, fancy parties, visits to the opera and theatre, housekeepers, gardeners, cooks, a grandmother who bosses everyone around but cooks and organises big feast like meals everyday, a chance to go to a brilliant school and most of all a happy family. What more could I possible want.
   But this life style comes with a minor, possibly even pathetic, downside. Expectations.
I know it sounds sad and cliche, but I want to make my family, especially my dad, proud. I don't want to fail after all that they have done for me.
So dentistry, even though, like most kids, I too started off hating the people in white coats poking around my teeth I somehow grew to enjoy the annual trips to the dentist. Possibly because I passed the worst stages of oral pain and had this new career option in mind. I thought it was a good, stable and healthy job. I liked that it was hygienic and not quite as disgusting as actual medicine, but still somehow fitted into my life. I am not going to pretend that it was all about helping others and relieving people of their pain or making them look pretty. I knew that those were the positive sides of the jobs and I am sure that should I choose this career path that is what will convince me of it. But it still has some pretty disgusting bits and pieces to it, not to speak of the amount of hate people meet you with, or the pain you supposedly represent.
   No for me it always seemed like the kind of job that would give me the most comfortable life possible, and I still believe that. But after having gone this extremely expensive trip to the other end of the world and fulfilling childhood dreams I am not so sure about anything any more.
They say money can't buy happiness, but up until now I have always been told the opposite. My heart tells me other things, that no matter how expensive something is, it is worthless if you have no one to share it with. I want to be fulfilled in what I do and how I live and I don't know if money can get me that.

Which leads me to Path numero dos:

Maybe as much of an illusion as all my childhood dreams. But my passion lies in Film, in stories. I want to be a collector of stories and film is what makes them real. That is what I love about it I think I always loved it, observing my surroundings, I still catch myself once in a while watching or listening to strangers in an attempt to capture their story for an instant. My biggest influence has always been the classical disney movies, and no matter how negative some may talk about it, these movies made me who I am today and I would want to live with out them. I want to create something that people enjoy and that sticks with them. I want to live the adventures in those stories that I will probably never have, but dream of. I want my life to have layers, to be a story in itself. I want to look back when I am older and see all the sadness and misery and then the happiness and excitement and energy that I have lived through. I want to have adventures of my own, like in the movies.
This may all seem like the answer to my questions. But I am not sure it is. I never have and am not thinking "real" I am not thinking bills, family, insurance here. I don't know if I will be happy with my life style. I am not delusional or anything. I know what it all means. But that is just the raised snob in me speaking. What I am more afraid of is not being able to travel the world safely. I want to hear stories meet people, but I am a shy and introverted person like my father, while I don't need all the luxury I find it hard to just talk to people. So then what if I have all the money to travel? I would still be shy that won't change. But by going into film at least I will enjoy what I do. Also I probably will have little time to travel at first, when I am young. At least a lot less time than I would otherwise. This is a 20 hours a week job as a dentist against a 100 hours a week or more working in the film industry. As to that, it seems that the more I read around it the more the ugly truth comes out. I am sure that there are enough people making movies who love them and the stories in general as much as me. But the more I want to dip into my imagination the more money I will need to do so. And money is hard to find. Especially as a woman. Who knows maybe in 10, 20 years the world will be ready for women as directors and film makers, but they sure aren't now. And that is scary and quite a turn off. I don't expect it to be easy but I don't know if I am strong enough for this kind of challenge. I want to be successful, I want to do what I love and be financially free. And I fear that reality looks very different. Another point is that I am not just a girl but also Austrian. Now I don't feel like much of a nationalist or anything, but I know that a lot of people in the business do and let's face it, every time an austrian makes it internationally anywhere it is a hell of a deal, and it doesn't happen very often. So I am not only facing a challenge against sexism but somehow also against prejudice towards austrian film makers in the big market, lets face it there aren't many. So no matter how distant I sometimes may feel to my home country, this is me and I have the heritage, the accent and stuff like that. So not only would film mean fighting against my roots, but also leaving. Moving away, to study and if I am chasing success, to live and work as well. Whether it is London, New York or LA. It would happen, if it all happens. And at least right now I don't think I am ready for this. Everyone around me just wants to get away, wouldn't mind living somewhere else. But this is my home, I know Vienna, my whole family is here. No matter how international I maybe something inside of me enjoys the stability I have here, and I fear the lostness of leaving. The isolation that my shy self would experience. I am so so scared of it. I mean I don't even think it will be easy to make friends here, studying dentistry, and who knows maybe they will all be snobs and I'll hate it. Yes I am scared of being friendless, I always have been. Another example of how weak I am.

In the end I don't doubt that I can be a dentist. I think I could, I just don't want to hate myself looking back. Studying film would probably make my life one great stories of ups and downs, and right now I have a lot of imagination to fill my mind with colourful visions of stories I would love to tell. But I don't want to fail, I don't want to find myself lost in life and alone. Maybe I am just fooling myself, trying to be as free spirited and strong as my friends who are all so artistic and loquacious. Maybe I am meant to be a snobby dentist, with her own clinic, and designer fashion, a big apartment or house or both. Holidays anywhere I wish, if I have a family one that will have a safe and wonderful life. Be self sustained, etc. These are all very grown up wishes, but every time I watch a movie I don't want it to end. I want to sink into the stories, become the stories, and if I can't do that, I want to tell them.

Anyways maybe you see my dilemma. Maybe I should think outside the box I don't know. Like I said I am scared of failure.

Fuck it I'm happy ^^

I knew this was going to happy,  I said so a few posts ago. I knew that as soon as he talks to me again, no matter for how brief the moment may be, I would fall for him all over again.

But god it feels SO good, I don't usually write positive things, or at least not recently, but today......

So after having an incredible stressful day and being able to calm down a little, I managed to sit with him. Not alone, but still. And my plan of showing some interest in his newest obsession worked! In all honesty I do actually think that the game is super awesome, it would be very hypocritical of me not too, being quite a childish geek myself sometimes ;)

We talked and he even said that he loved the dance!!

I know this is so pathetic, and it will only cause me pain again and disappointment. But after the last few days this felt so good and right.

I remember why I like him, or better THAT I like him.

When he talks to me I can't stop smiling and my heart beats so fast. And I can't speak or look at him directly, because I am scared to give myself away.

And later tonight when I was walking outside I couldn't help but dance around with a huge smile on my face.

I want these feelings to last for ever.

Ass or idiot?

My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!

 But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.

But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.

You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

Apologies

I am sorry
That is all I can really say
I will say it a dozen times

and then another dozen
and so on until you can live with me again

I'm not asking you to forgive me, I have no right to ask that from you. Neither can I ask you to trust me again, that wouldn't be fair.

But I hope that you can live with me again some day.

I say all this because I feel guilty but also because I know,  in that very instant I knew that i had lost your trust.
There is no excuse for what I did and there never will be. Not that I am weak and not that I am stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing, because we both know those things aren't true.

I know you are hurt, I know because I know you good enough. I know that what ever I would have done, you wold have still been insulted, embarrassed, angry, jealous and most of all incredibly hurt. But it was my choice to give you a reason to hate me too. Even though you would never say that to me.

Who knows maybe after you have read this, you will actually hate me instead of yourself. And I would understand that.
What I did is inexcusable, not only did I break a promise I made to myself, but I also broke the promise I made to you. One was spoken aloud and the other was the silent swear of friendship and loyalty.

*******

I thought of you today.
I thought of you when we read Sonnet 29.

The speaker is unhappy and melancholic giving himself all the blame for not being the way he wants to be. He is jealous and angry at destiny for not beng fortunate towards him.
However he thinks of his friendship, and how that is worth more than the riches of every king.


When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


I sometimes feel like that kind of friend to you, someone who will listen. And someone you can trust. Someone that thinks you are amazing, admirable, a true role model. I think you are a beautiful and sensational person. But I know that you will probably not listen to me. Especially not now.


And that is why I cry.
Because I cannot be there for you now, in fact I don't know if you will ever want me near again. If we can ever share our thoughts again. 
I want to return to the way things were, I want to return to us.


But I know I am unable to undo the past, and I know that I failed you. That now all I can do is apologize and wait for you to let me back into your life.


And that is why all that is left for me to say is
sorry.

TV SHOWS

TV SHOW GIFS: No one can judge me for loving these shows!!!!

Dramatic Irony

I bet there is someone whatching me right now. Someone who knows something I don't, who has me all figured out.

If I could get a hint, that would be great, because right now I am just a little clueless.

Okay very clueless, of what I am doing in this world. Who the fuck am I even?
What makes me special?
If you could let me know before I do something stupid?
Thank you.

Words that speak the soul

More here -->

Tonight

Tonight

I am sitting in my room

tonight

I am biting my pencil

tonight

I am drinking the 10th cup of tea

tonight 

I am looking in the mirror and crying

tonight

I draw faces of you

tonight

I wonder when life begins

tonight 

I make myself believe that dreams come true

tonight 

I close my eyes and run

tonight 

I want to be in your arms

tonight

I want to see you

tonight 

I will love you
tonight
..
...
....
.....
I live.