Geometry or How peripheral vision can fool you

So I had my math course these past days.
On the first day I come in and stand in the elevator with this very movie star kind of scruffy attractive guy. Figures we are going to the same place.
We go into the room.
I sit down on the third row next to a girl and he sits down in front of me next to another girl.
Being me I never really go further in my thoughts than those .00000003 mili seconds it takes my brain to form a brief fantasy of impossibilities. Because why bother?
And hey I was right.
Because this girl was skinny, very pretty and well from talking to her a bit and walking to the Ubahn with her later, relatively nice and sweet and cheeky and what ever guys like.
So CLEARLY he was into her.
I mean for me and my seating neighbor it was clear to see that every 3 seconds he turned to her, which looked very odd. I don't think she cared but you know didn't mind either, who would?
So any how day 2 we are in the elevator together again, he goes to sit on the other side of the room but still looks over (but I didn't realize it so strongly).
Day 3, so today, as I come into he building, already relatively late but the course hadn't started. the first person I see on the hallway was.. yes the guy. We all sit as before. But some how from the corner of my eye I could see him twitching, turning into my direction. And for a brief moment again I felt, maybe.. maybe you know. I mean maybe fate exists. I mean we met 3 times. I mean.. I don't know.
I guess I wanted it to be true but it wasn't clearly. Because he was still looking at her.
So apart form German math what have I learned.  Yes the good looking guys still go for the good looking girls. I should really get out of my fairytale life. But what can I do if I only feel attracted to those!! kljaklsfj Body the fuck? Why?

BX

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness. 

Tonight

Tonight

I am sitting in my room

tonight

I am biting my pencil

tonight

I am drinking the 10th cup of tea

tonight 

I am looking in the mirror and crying

tonight

I draw faces of you

tonight

I wonder when life begins

tonight 

I make myself believe that dreams come true

tonight 

I close my eyes and run

tonight 

I want to be in your arms

tonight

I want to see you

tonight 

I will love you
tonight
..
...
....
.....
I live.

eating chocolate

before:

After:

WHY DID I JUST DO THAT?!?!?!?

FATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFATFAT

So I have a constant weight and look problem, and that is probably the reason why nothing goes the way it should, because I hate myself and that can't mean anything good can it?
Right now I realized that I failed once again.
Not only did I not stick to my work out/diet plan, no -I also gained weight, even more weight.
I just looked at the resent pictures of me at the beach and I burst out into tears, then I compared them to my sommer photos from a year ago, and it was even worse!!
WHY THE FUCK DID NO ONE TELL ME????
WHY THE FUCK DO PEOPLE KEEP TELLING ME I LOOK GOOD????

Just to make me FEEL better? Make themselves feel better?

WHY??
And I was always hurt that my mom wasn't comforting me, but was actually saying I would look better with a couple of kilos less.
God that was such a mind blow...well maybe I needed it.
Still!! I haven't quite finished spassing!

I mean I should have realized, I don't fit into my pants anymore
I weigh more
I have been eating and eating
I stoped working out
I am lazy
I have a tummy

SOMETHING HAS TO CHANGE
I HAVE TO  STOP WHAT EVER I AM DOING NOW AND START DOING THINGS RIGHT

Hate doesn't even cover it

I hate my body

I hate my muscel
I hate my big arms
I hate my thin nails
I hate my short chubby fingers
I hate my curled big toe
I hate my square and high feet
I hate my soccerplayer calfs
I hate my big ass
I hate my flabby belly
I hate my big bone structure
I hate my flat nipples
I hate the spot on my nose
I hate the bags under my eyes
I hate my big earlobes
I hate my redness
I hate that I sweat so much
I hate my square and chubby face
I hate my forehead
I hate my skin
I hate my frizzy hair
I hate my fat wrists
I hate my pale skin
I hate my red eyes
I hate my voice
I hate the big molds on my back
I hate that I can't wear open shoes
I hate that I can't wear pants because my ass looks fat
I hate that I can't wear skirts because my thighs get sweaty and burn
I hate that I can't wear tank tops
I hate that I can't wear long sleeves because I sweat
I hate that I am short


I hate that I hate my self
that I never look into the mirror and am proud of the way I look
and I hate that I give up with out ever trying to make a change
because I am too scared to fail again.

bodies

So I guess I look like this

But I feel like this

society says look like this

but not like this

So what to do?
this

this

 and obviously this

just so one day I can do this....