A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

Listen. Listen to me very carefully. I live in London, a gorgeous, vibrant, historic city that I happen to love living in. You live in New York, which is highly overrated... But since the Atlantic Ocean is a bit wide to cross every day, swimming, boating or flying, I suggest we flip for it... And if those terms are unacceptable, leaving London will be a pleasure, as long as you're waiting for me on the other side. 'Cause the truth is, I am Madly, Deeply, Truly, Passionately in Love with You. - Letters to Juliet