Apologies

I am sorry
That is all I can really say
I will say it a dozen times

and then another dozen
and so on until you can live with me again

I'm not asking you to forgive me, I have no right to ask that from you. Neither can I ask you to trust me again, that wouldn't be fair.

But I hope that you can live with me again some day.

I say all this because I feel guilty but also because I know,  in that very instant I knew that i had lost your trust.
There is no excuse for what I did and there never will be. Not that I am weak and not that I am stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing, because we both know those things aren't true.

I know you are hurt, I know because I know you good enough. I know that what ever I would have done, you wold have still been insulted, embarrassed, angry, jealous and most of all incredibly hurt. But it was my choice to give you a reason to hate me too. Even though you would never say that to me.

Who knows maybe after you have read this, you will actually hate me instead of yourself. And I would understand that.
What I did is inexcusable, not only did I break a promise I made to myself, but I also broke the promise I made to you. One was spoken aloud and the other was the silent swear of friendship and loyalty.

*******

I thought of you today.
I thought of you when we read Sonnet 29.

The speaker is unhappy and melancholic giving himself all the blame for not being the way he wants to be. He is jealous and angry at destiny for not beng fortunate towards him.
However he thinks of his friendship, and how that is worth more than the riches of every king.


When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


I sometimes feel like that kind of friend to you, someone who will listen. And someone you can trust. Someone that thinks you are amazing, admirable, a true role model. I think you are a beautiful and sensational person. But I know that you will probably not listen to me. Especially not now.


And that is why I cry.
Because I cannot be there for you now, in fact I don't know if you will ever want me near again. If we can ever share our thoughts again. 
I want to return to the way things were, I want to return to us.


But I know I am unable to undo the past, and I know that I failed you. That now all I can do is apologize and wait for you to let me back into your life.


And that is why all that is left for me to say is
sorry.

TV SHOWS

TV SHOW GIFS: No one can judge me for loving these shows!!!!

Education

I like school, I generally love learning, it is what keeps life interesting. The only reason why this palace of knowledge is often the source of my head aches and breakdowns is usually due to my interests not quite agreeing with what my subjects would like them to. When I am confronted with something new, I need time to digest it, time to let my interest grow inside me, till it bursts and the obsession begins. I want to become so interested in a topic that I go on hyper speed rants about it to my friends, who just shake their heads at my enthusiasm. I want to learn something that is new, maybe so new that it isn't even in real use yet.

It's nothing new that I love everything to do with the future, innovations and inventions make me jump around like a little kid. I love the fact that we live in the future that people thought impossible 30 years ago. Look at us:

 - Children know how to use technology, that people used to be payed to do.

- We are so dependent on the internet that if it broke down tomorrow we would all suffer of extreme withdrawl symptoms.

- We have flat screens

- Wireless (!!) anything

- touch screen phones

- 3D television
-anything digital!!!

And these are only somethings, concerning technology

This is the stuff I care about. I want to know how, despite all our idiotic mistakes in the past, humanity does produce awesomeness.

I want to read about aliens, I want to talk to people about tardigrades ( tiny animals that can survive in the vacuum of space and other uninhabitable environments.), I want to talk to people who share my (very naive) vision of a world that creates with out the need for capitalism or communism. But purely for the invention and to bring humans another step forward.


Wow.

And once again this entry ended completely different to how it was meant to go.

I am already excited about what I will see when I wake up 30 years from now.

dftba <3<3

Did you know it was christmas?

Having your birthday around christmas has it's ups and downs. On the one side you get loads of presents once a year, and yes the down is that it is only once. The other 363 days are...well present less. Then again I don't really care so much about what I get. Usually I wish for one large thing, lately always technology related, and then I get a couple of other things as well, like I don't know, books or DVDs. This year I will probably not get that much, since I asked for a macbook and other things for it, also I just went to New York and obviously shopped my ass off ;)

I am not being unsatisfied or greedy, but I feel that even though now I say I don't care or I am happy with what I have (which I really am, I don't NEED anything) but I remember those past Christmases, runing down the stairs, seeing the tree and all the packages. Opening them, sharing the presents. "look what I got!!", "Wow just what I wanted", exchanging thanks and love. And then later giving my parents presents, and seeing their joy.
I just like presents, no matter their size or price. I love giving them, running around the city, seeing things where you know you will make someone happy with it.

So yeah even though it is the jolly season I am not as excited as I used to be, maybe because there are no surprises left, no magical mystery. 

Anyways I thought that since so many people have been putting up lists of things they want why not:

Any movie on DVD or Blu-ray (preferable unknown or old ones)
Mixed CDs
Photos and picture frames or albums
geeky anything ( t-shirt, poster accessories etc.)
charms (as in for a bracelet)
awesome sunglasses (I can NEVER have enough)
or anything nice =)

At the end of the day I don't care if I get something, sometimes just a nice personal card is all it requires to make me feel like someone is thinking of me.

Health is not valued till sickness comes.

So as the title may suggest I have a bit of an unpleasant feeling in the region around my head, due to a persistent blockage in my nose. Yes I am not all to jolly at the moment, in fact I feel that, and this may be another side effect of my blocked sinuses, I am once again just floating in mid air. I think that this whole year of 2011 has been a time of adolescent experience meets Peter Pan syndrome.

 first kiss ( okay that was in 2010, still important to mention)

• Flex incident (still very mixed feelings of guilt and relief)
• He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named ( I will not start on that again, even though it is probably the biggest reason for my current psychological state)
• random hook up at fledermaus (unimportant but still)

Now to the defects of my mind:
I love psychology, all these elaborate terms to label ones insanity and abnormal behaviour. For a long time I have been analysing myself, my behaviour and my emotional instability. Of course I could go and write it off as teenage emotional bullshit. However I think that I fall into a more complicated category.
           Back to the formaly mentioned "Peter Pan sydrome", actually known as Puer Aeternus ( Eternal boy), my loyal compnion Wikipedia defines it as such:

"Puer aeternus is Latin for eternal boy, used in mythology to designate a child-god who is forever young; psychologically it refers to an older man whose emotional life has remained at an adolescent level. The puer typically leads a provisional life, due to the fear of being caught in a situation from which it might not be possible to escape. He covets independence and freedom, chafes at boundaries and limits, and tends to find any restriction intolerable."

Of course I hardly qualify as an "older man", however my "childlike" interests (e.g Comic heroes, sci-fi anything) do go in a more 10 year old boy direction. Then again I used to rebel against these kind of things, being brought up around mostly guys, I would always try to, yes fit in, but also remain a girl in one way or another, whether this is playing with my millions of barbie dolls (body image role model, may explain a lot) or watching disney movies, starring your typical fairy tale princess. So back to the forever young theory, I don't understand why so many around me try to grow up so fast, or maybe I am just kidding myself. After all I am 16 going on 17, not exactly a child any more. I want people to talk to me like they would to another adult. At the same time I don't, I don't want to have to make huge life decisions like what I will study, what will I do when I am out of school. Why can't I just sit back and have fun again. Not the go out get drunk type of fun, not the sexual fun (usually), I just want to enjoy my life, have people to talk about video games and tv shows and movies. Travel the world, meet new cultures, help people,fall in love with your best friend. That is my fairy tale.
        At this point I would like to mention another interesting term:

"The Cinderella complex was first described by Colette Dowling^, who wrote a book on women's fear of independence, as an unconscious desire to be taken care of by others. The complex is said to become more apparent as a person grows older."

Now I am still trying to figure out how much I fit into this "complex", on one side I can be independent and organised, on the other I have a tendency to enjoy decisions being made for me, probably because I am scared of making a bad one( indecisive). I also have some sort of commitment issues in addition to all that, due to a lack of experience I can't determine that just yet.
          At the end of the day there is nothing I can do about that, I can't change my feelings towards life and my wish for escapism into a parallel universe where everything is better and more exciting.
But what can you do? Nothing.

A funny story in the void

So I guess I could tell you of how useless I am right now, but you know I would rather like to tell you one of my inside jokes. Well it's probably more of a funny thought. So today my mum met my chemistry teacher. His name- Mr. Jones. So my mum introduces herself:

Mum: Hello Elisabeth ****
Mr Jones: **** Jones

What's with the stars? I don't want to post peoples whole names on here okay!
Well so when he introduced himself I was like

PLEASE SAY INDIANA; PLEASE SAY INDIANA

Well he didn't he didn't even say Henry, which would have been awesome too (watch Indiana Jones if you don't know what I'm talking about)

Not funny? Well it was one amusing thing for me so yeah go read your own Blog if you don't get my head!

So that's it folks, today was a lot better than yesterday just btw.
ps didn't have a gif on here for a while: