A little of the old in-out in-out

I was going to write this entry a while ago, but I never got around to it. Right now I am in the possibly worst place (the study lounge) to be dealing with such a touchy subject, but I just need to get this out.
Just to make this clear I am still innocent in the wider meaning of the word, and not because I am saving my self for that special someone.
I think that sex is something natural something that just happens in a brief moment, where to people just go for it. Free from all tension and meaning, forgetting reality and not thinking about the effects that our actions might have. Just following your gut feeling.
It is meant to be something wonderful, physical ecstasy, people get addicted to it (so it can't be half bad).
Of course LOVE plays a big part in all of this. But not necessarily, from someone like me, who has never really considered herself to be IN love or to truly love someone, this may seems like a very pretentious thing to talk about, after all "how do I know".
To me there are various components that make up "love".
-Trust
- Physical Attraction
- Feeling completely secure and comfortable
- A personality fit
- Things to talk about
- And of course the childish, "I can't stop thinking about you" stuff
There are many more reasons to love someone but these are what I could think of so bear with me.

Concerning lovemaking, I think the first three on that list are the most important.
Obviously there are enough people out there doing it with out really knowing the other person, and I think that is perfectly fine and probably more interesting and hot. But I am obviously thinking of the cliche "first time" and that seems to be made a big deal by a lot of people.
The act itself isn't really what I am worried about, more so the trust bit. I'm scared of judgement.
I know it is silly and that guys usually think with their junk anyway, but my self-consciousness holds me back from thinking completely freely about something like this. I can imagine a lot of things, but usually I look different in my mind and then it is okay.

I know this is all very silly, but I can't stop thinking about it. If I were to lose the big V to a stranger it would probably be some what better. Who cares what he thinks, he doesn't know me. But what if it is someone I do know, someone I care about? Could I expose myself like that? If I had a boyfriend, or just a friend and we got into that situation where we both wanted it, would it matter?

Probably not, but this is the stuff I think about, sometimes.

Unmasked

It always takes a while to get over you. I know. I've done it before.
Lately I couldn't really label it, what it was I felt, I guess I just didn't know.
But no matter how painful it is too see you look right through me and for us to not have any reason to talk any more, it may be the thing I need.
My feelings depend on what I let myself think, at first it doesn't work but the longer I repeat the thought in my head, the more it becomes the reality.
Let me elaborate that for you, I used to tell my self I hated you, because you made fun of me, and then I did. Then I admitted to myself that I did actually care. And bang, there it was again.

It's difficult to explain why I like you. And to be honest I don't really know myself.
All that I know is that when ever you talked to me I was suddenly happy, and I love talking to you.
But now that you are building this wall around yourself, I can do nothing but look at you from afar, feeling nothing but sadness hanging over me.
Like a blue cloud that is slowly fading into grey until you can't see it anymore, but never the less it is there, raining on you when you least expect it.

My friends don't always understand it, or it has just become "my thing", something I do. In fact you have somewhat become part of my personality, you influence what I do, or what I don't. I have heard enough bad things about you, and most of it is true and obvious, even to me. but it sadly doesn't change a thing.

What I am trying to say is that, no matter how much you ignore me, how little I think about you or how many other guys give me their attention, in the end all it takes is one word, one smile from you and I am lost. Lost in a world of false hopes and fairytale fantasies, that you will most probably never be fulfilling.

I just wonder if you know, if you found out, if someone told you, maybe one of my friends? Maybe you are just making assumptions from the way I used to look at you. If I'm honest, I wouldn't even mind. I want you to know, because that would mean that you are turning away from me on purpose, to help me get over you, or just for selfish reasons. Either way, I think you should keep doing that, it is working.

All I ask of you is to stay away from me for good, because if you start looking straight at me, seeing me, again, I will trip and fall. Returning into a never ending spiral of tears and chains, holding me back from the happiness I deserve.

Listen. Listen to me very carefully. I live in London, a gorgeous, vibrant, historic city that I happen to love living in. You live in New York, which is highly overrated... But since the Atlantic Ocean is a bit wide to cross every day, swimming, boating or flying, I suggest we flip for it... And if those terms are unacceptable, leaving London will be a pleasure, as long as you're waiting for me on the other side. 'Cause the truth is, I am Madly, Deeply, Truly, Passionately in Love with You. - Letters to Juliet

Apologies

I am sorry
That is all I can really say
I will say it a dozen times

and then another dozen
and so on until you can live with me again

I'm not asking you to forgive me, I have no right to ask that from you. Neither can I ask you to trust me again, that wouldn't be fair.

But I hope that you can live with me again some day.

I say all this because I feel guilty but also because I know,  in that very instant I knew that i had lost your trust.
There is no excuse for what I did and there never will be. Not that I am weak and not that I am stupid and that I didn't know what I was doing, because we both know those things aren't true.

I know you are hurt, I know because I know you good enough. I know that what ever I would have done, you wold have still been insulted, embarrassed, angry, jealous and most of all incredibly hurt. But it was my choice to give you a reason to hate me too. Even though you would never say that to me.

Who knows maybe after you have read this, you will actually hate me instead of yourself. And I would understand that.
What I did is inexcusable, not only did I break a promise I made to myself, but I also broke the promise I made to you. One was spoken aloud and the other was the silent swear of friendship and loyalty.

*******

I thought of you today.
I thought of you when we read Sonnet 29.

The speaker is unhappy and melancholic giving himself all the blame for not being the way he wants to be. He is jealous and angry at destiny for not beng fortunate towards him.
However he thinks of his friendship, and how that is worth more than the riches of every king.


When, in disgrace with fortune and men's eyes,
I all alone beweep my outcast state
And trouble deaf heaven with my bootless cries
And look upon myself and curse my fate,
Wishing me like to one more rich in hope,
Featured like him, like him with friends possess'd,
Desiring this man's art and that man's scope,
With what I most enjoy contented least;
Yet in these thoughts myself almost despising,
Haply I think on thee, and then my state,
Like to the lark at break of day arising
From sullen earth, sings hymns at heaven's gate;
For thy sweet love remember'd such wealth brings
That then I scorn to change my state with kings.


I sometimes feel like that kind of friend to you, someone who will listen. And someone you can trust. Someone that thinks you are amazing, admirable, a true role model. I think you are a beautiful and sensational person. But I know that you will probably not listen to me. Especially not now.


And that is why I cry.
Because I cannot be there for you now, in fact I don't know if you will ever want me near again. If we can ever share our thoughts again. 
I want to return to the way things were, I want to return to us.


But I know I am unable to undo the past, and I know that I failed you. That now all I can do is apologize and wait for you to let me back into your life.


And that is why all that is left for me to say is
sorry.

TV SHOWS

TV SHOW GIFS: No one can judge me for loving these shows!!!!

Education

I like school, I generally love learning, it is what keeps life interesting. The only reason why this palace of knowledge is often the source of my head aches and breakdowns is usually due to my interests not quite agreeing with what my subjects would like them to. When I am confronted with something new, I need time to digest it, time to let my interest grow inside me, till it bursts and the obsession begins. I want to become so interested in a topic that I go on hyper speed rants about it to my friends, who just shake their heads at my enthusiasm. I want to learn something that is new, maybe so new that it isn't even in real use yet.

It's nothing new that I love everything to do with the future, innovations and inventions make me jump around like a little kid. I love the fact that we live in the future that people thought impossible 30 years ago. Look at us:

 - Children know how to use technology, that people used to be payed to do.

- We are so dependent on the internet that if it broke down tomorrow we would all suffer of extreme withdrawl symptoms.

- We have flat screens

- Wireless (!!) anything

- touch screen phones

- 3D television
-anything digital!!!

And these are only somethings, concerning technology

This is the stuff I care about. I want to know how, despite all our idiotic mistakes in the past, humanity does produce awesomeness.

I want to read about aliens, I want to talk to people about tardigrades ( tiny animals that can survive in the vacuum of space and other uninhabitable environments.), I want to talk to people who share my (very naive) vision of a world that creates with out the need for capitalism or communism. But purely for the invention and to bring humans another step forward.


Wow.

And once again this entry ended completely different to how it was meant to go.

I am already excited about what I will see when I wake up 30 years from now.

dftba <3<3

Did you know it was christmas?

Having your birthday around christmas has it's ups and downs. On the one side you get loads of presents once a year, and yes the down is that it is only once. The other 363 days are...well present less. Then again I don't really care so much about what I get. Usually I wish for one large thing, lately always technology related, and then I get a couple of other things as well, like I don't know, books or DVDs. This year I will probably not get that much, since I asked for a macbook and other things for it, also I just went to New York and obviously shopped my ass off ;)

I am not being unsatisfied or greedy, but I feel that even though now I say I don't care or I am happy with what I have (which I really am, I don't NEED anything) but I remember those past Christmases, runing down the stairs, seeing the tree and all the packages. Opening them, sharing the presents. "look what I got!!", "Wow just what I wanted", exchanging thanks and love. And then later giving my parents presents, and seeing their joy.
I just like presents, no matter their size or price. I love giving them, running around the city, seeing things where you know you will make someone happy with it.

So yeah even though it is the jolly season I am not as excited as I used to be, maybe because there are no surprises left, no magical mystery. 

Anyways I thought that since so many people have been putting up lists of things they want why not:

Any movie on DVD or Blu-ray (preferable unknown or old ones)
Mixed CDs
Photos and picture frames or albums
geeky anything ( t-shirt, poster accessories etc.)
charms (as in for a bracelet)
awesome sunglasses (I can NEVER have enough)
or anything nice =)

At the end of the day I don't care if I get something, sometimes just a nice personal card is all it requires to make me feel like someone is thinking of me.