One and only- Adele

I don't know how she does it but she says it all.

Fuck it I'm happy ^^

I knew this was going to happy,  I said so a few posts ago. I knew that as soon as he talks to me again, no matter for how brief the moment may be, I would fall for him all over again.

But god it feels SO good, I don't usually write positive things, or at least not recently, but today......

So after having an incredible stressful day and being able to calm down a little, I managed to sit with him. Not alone, but still. And my plan of showing some interest in his newest obsession worked! In all honesty I do actually think that the game is super awesome, it would be very hypocritical of me not too, being quite a childish geek myself sometimes ;)

We talked and he even said that he loved the dance!!

I know this is so pathetic, and it will only cause me pain again and disappointment. But after the last few days this felt so good and right.

I remember why I like him, or better THAT I like him.

When he talks to me I can't stop smiling and my heart beats so fast. And I can't speak or look at him directly, because I am scared to give myself away.

And later tonight when I was walking outside I couldn't help but dance around with a huge smile on my face.

I want these feelings to last for ever.

Ass or idiot?

My fears have come true. You treated me like your toy and I fell for it. As I always do, you look and smile and touch and there I go thinking I am some how special or better than her. But of course I'm not. I'm just a 2nd choice, I get her seconds. Only untill she takes them back. You are like a loan for whom I pay with my heart.
It's so unfair, and at the end of the day it is all my doing. Why can't I just go out and meet other guys, who actually try to win me and who want me and not some prettier and skinnier girl?
Why am I so goddamn proud and yet so so shy, that it is impossible for me to just go for it, look at a guy, make eye contact and talk to him?
I really just want someone I like to like me back just once!!
Someone who won't bring my hopes up the one day and then crush them the next.
I want someone to cry over me as much as I cry over them, to admire me and get me amazing presents that tell everyone "I love this girl"
I know it's selfish and I know it's unrealistic but I don't care!!!
I want someone NOW!!

 But wait, why am I hating on myself? After all it is you who is messing with my heart. It's becoming more and more obvious the more often you do it. You always come to me when thengs aren't going so well with her. Looking for a little affection since she is giving you so little. But never the less she has you under her spell, she merely has to whistle and you come running towards her. It is pafetic and makes you a real ass for playing with me like that.

But here I am the idiot in the spot light. The realisation hit me today, how could I even believe you and your body language?? I did know after we kissed that first time that you still liked her!! I knew, and now again.

You know what, I deserve someone much better than you!! Someone who likes everything about, who I can understand and who understands me. I deserve love.
thank you for helping me realize that now.

I am not a game

I should be doing film or sleeping, I shouldn't be looking at pictures of happy couples on tumblr.
But the thing is I have a problem, a commitment thing. Whether that is to a crush or some day to a relationship, who knows, probably both. I am so scared that I might get hurt that I avoid opening up.
And I was reminded why.

Please, don't play me, I can't handle it anymore

A whole lot of Brain stuff

I am not exactly sure what to write about tonight if I'm honest.

I could tackle a lot of subjects that are going through my mind right now, maybe I'll just do them all.

I have been thinking again and again about losing, no scraping off that weight. It isn't just physical. I think.

After all, it was my brain that got me here. Or better my heart. There was a reason I just fucked it, cast aside the hard work of a summer. I worked out EVERY DAY for at least an hour. And looking back, you could see the results, as you can see the current ones. 

So why can't I just go back to that state of mind? Where I would still fight my way through, I had the time or made some for it. 

And now, what is wrong with me now? Apart from the fact that I am two years older. Not the almost sixteen year old, but practically 18. Then again, with age grows the amount of shit you carry around with you (or stuff into your mouth). The meaningless moments of passion and lust that are far away from the sappy high school romances that you had dreamt of (and still do sometimes). That one guy that seems to have nailed himself to your heart. Which would explain all the pain and sorrow that he is causing you to this day. The people around you, your family who, like your bedroom mirror, tells you everyday that you "aren't fat" but have "changed". And finally that future, the one thing that will always be by your side until death does you part. 

I want to know what to do, I want to have the energy and dedication to finish, instead of running in circles, going no where.

Maybe I need to start making a list. One single list. An enumeration of tasks. 

A plan to happiness.